Take a moment to reflect on you.
Think about what’s going on, how you feel, and how it seems life is treating you.
Now, make a list of 5 things that are bothering you.
Just write down (or think about) anything that’s troubling, worrying, or irking you — whatever the case may be.
(For some of you, it should be fairly easy to create this list.)
Five things that are bothersome to me:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
(If you can’t come up with 5 items, don’t sweat it, 2 will do just fine.)
Do you have your list? Good.
Pinpoint one of these bothersome issues.
Now answer a very simple question: Can it be changed?
Whatever your issue is — whether it’s something that is happening now, will happen in the future, or took place in the past — can you change it? Are you capable of affecting it somehow? Is it possible for you to alter its outcome?
The answer here is either “yes” or “no.”
Either it can be changed, or it cannot.
Yes or no.
If it’s a “no” and that particular bothersome thing on your list can’t be changed, do you have the fortitude to accept it? Can you tolerate this fact in your life for what it is, whether you like it or not?
I need to take a moment to elaborate. When a loved one dies (or something else majorly bad happens), certainly there is nothing you can do to change it. Accepting that it happened doesn’t mean you have to like it or that you should say, “Hey-ho,” pick yourself up, and get on with life. Accepting means fully acknowledging the reality of what is, even if you don’t like it. Here’s a bit of a lengthy, but thorough definition of acceptance:
Acceptance is not abetting, advocating, agreeing, aiding, approving, assisting, authenticating, authorizing, backing, complying, concurring, confirming, consenting, cultivating, encouraging, endorsing, furthering, liking, maintaining, permitting, promoting, ratifying, reinforcing, sanctifying, supporting, or sympathizing. Acceptance is saying, “It is what it is, and what it is, is what is.”
The question in the above isn’t if you like it, but, if you can’t change it, can you accept it?
Going back to your bothersome issue — if that particular thing in your life can be changed, does changing it from “irksome” to “less irksome” require you to take action? Often, the idea of effecting even a little change is somewhat scary. The follow-up question here is, will you do it anyway?
Now, go through the same process with the other 4 annoyances on your list. For each item, ask yourself if you can change it. If not, are you willing to accept it? And, if so, are you are willing to accept it fully?
I sometimes use the discussion above to introduce the topic of philosophy to middle and high school students. I tell them: Knowing the difference between what can and cannot be changed is the roots of wisdom. By the end of these talks, the students understand that “a love of wisdom” (a translation of the Greek philosophia) is truly beneficial to their lives.
Analyzing problems in this way is really just a step-by-step interpretation of the Serenity Prayer — a beautiful text attributed to theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, who is said to have written it in 1934.
Here’s the prayer (and remember, it doesn’t really matter if you believe in an active, external deity or not — the words of a prayer are about changing the person who prays):
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
A wonderful petition, no?
Spiritual-religious advice: Be wise, accept, and have courage.
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