Jealousy/Envy

Today I’m going to talk about the seemingly twin notions of jealousy and envy, and how they’re different.

The first word “jealousy” has its root in the word “zeal.” You can hear the similarity in the Spanish word, celos. And that makes sense, because there’s some zeal, some excitement, in jealousy! When we’re jealous, we feel passionate about getting something.

Aristotle suggested that there’s jealousy, and then there’s envy. The two aren’t necessarily the same. Jealousy leads people to strive for greater things: “Oh, that person has a really cool car,” you tell yourself. And suddenly, you’re trying to figure out how to get a really cool car for yourself, too. That’s jealousy.

Envy, on the other hand, is much more insidious. You see that another person has a really cool car, chariot, etc., and you say to yourself, “I don’t have that. I’m gonna take their wheels so they can’t enjoy it.” Envy occurs when you won’t let the other person have something, because you’re so upset about it. You’d rather deprive that person of their right to possess something – instead of working to get your own.

All jealousy and envy stems from a perceived lack. You can only feel either emotion if you think there’s something important missing in your life. If you were content, truly content, you wouldn’t desire anything, so you couldn’t possibly feel jealous or envious about anything.

Here’s another example of how people often get confused about the nature of jealousy and envy. Sometimes we think the more we love a person, the more jealous we ought to be of that person’s relations. “Oh, I’m jealous that he’s spending so much time with anyone else besides me.” The more jealous we are (this tends to be the case with adolescents), the more we think it’s love. That ain’t love, that’s jealousy! And that’s not even the good kind of jealousy.

So why bring up this topic? There’s a spiritual-religious exercise lurking in all of this, of course.

“Moral indignation is often jealousy with a halo,” said H.G. Wells. I think he was right. That’s an awesome statement. Moral indignation is often jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is where you say something like, “Well those kids shouldn’t be going out and doing blah blah blah.” It’s when you get on your high horse and start judging and condemning other people.

Moral indignation occurs, because deep down inside, you wish you had whatever those “morally corrupt folk” have. You, perhaps only secretly, wish you would allow yourself to do what they’re doing.

Maybe those kids feel free, and you lack a sense of freedom. To make yourself feel better, you get your panties up in a bunch. You get all freaked out, and tell yourself, “Morally, what they’re doing is just wrong.” Maybe it’s not wrong, maybe you’re just jealous.

Here’s what I want you to do. This is our moral-spiritual-religious exercise for the week:

Think about something in your life which you get morally righteous about. Is there some way of flipping that thing upside down, looking at it, and thinking perhaps you’re just jealous? Maybe you feel some envy over people whom you are supposedly morally superior to.

If there’s a perceived lack in your life, work to examine what is causing the lack instead of directing your envy onto someone else.

Spiritual-religious advice: investigate the cause of your jealousy and moral indignation.

LCK - Showing Forgiveness

Oh Lord, it is a wonderful feeling to feel forgiven by people we have wronged. There is no lower low in all of life than to have done something terribly wrong to another person and to feel as if that wrong will never be forgiven. We have all had that soul-numbing experience, Lord. We have walked around with a leaden heaviness in our heart wishing we could live a previous foolish moment all over again and prevent a terrible wrong we had done from ever having occurred.

How strong our need for forgiveness is, O God.

And when this forgiveness comes to us it is like a re-birth. A resurrection. A reviving of our soul at the very door of death itself.

Thank you, dear Lord, for placing in my pathway forgiving individuals. People who have the kindness to absorb my painful treatment with grace and who gave me my life back again by forgiving me. So much like you these wonderful people are. They gave me not what I deserved but what I so badly needed. I am very grateful for what these dear forgiving people are teaching me and grateful, too, for what you have taught them.

Have a Mentor

Today might just be “Have a Mentor” Day.” (I invented it.) Play along with me on this...

I want you to imagine yourself as a mentor. Think of a youngster, someone who doesn’t know as much as you do about general life kinds of things. Maybe this is a high school student or a young person interested in working in the same professional field as you.

Think about the role of a mentor – to provide guidance, support, caring, and resources. You’re teaching a mentee what they need to know. You’d be assisting them in their personal, professional, or psychological development.

If your mentee arrives late to your meeting, you might coach them on the importance of punctuality and the consequences of tardiness. But you wouldn’t yell at them harshly, “You were late! I’m never gonna be your mentor again!” That would absurd, right?

The mentor is supposed to be a gentle guide. The idea is to establish a healthy, long-term relationship with this person, to be patient with them over time. You have to be kind. They have to want you to be their mentor, or it just won’t work.

So why bring this up? Here’s the Rabbi Brian catch, where it gets flipped around a little bit.

I want you to think of yourself as a mentor to yourself.

As of today, you are now officially your own mentor.

Think about how you would best mentor yourself, assisting yourself with whatever you’re going through in life right now. What if you were to treat yourself the way you would treat a mentee – with respect, kindness, and caring?

I have this feeling that you, like the rest of us, are a little harsh on yourself. You probably engage in some self-castigation every once in awhile – maybe often. You probably kick your own ass pretty hard thinking this might motivate you to do the best you can. This is just silly, right?

I’m suggesting, and even hoping, that you can find some compassion for yourself. You wouldn’t treat a young mentee the way you might treat yourself, so why do it to yourself?

Where did we ever get the idea that we ought to beat ourselves up? That’s asinine.

Spiritual-religious advice: Be a kind mentor to yourself.

Temptation

I’d like to share with you a quote that helps put into perspective the severity of most of our temptations:

The less the temptation, the greater the sin.

Say what? Does that make sense? The less the temptation, the greater the sin.

Let’s break this down, and we’ll see how it makes sense.

Pretend someone has uttered obnoxious words to you. Perhaps it’s an offhand comment, a teasing remark, or a scathing criticism. Nothing too severe, but not exactly a pleasantry. How do you respond? You might be tempted to tell that person off, right? But, chances are, you wouldn’t spit in their face, kick them in the shins, or murder their kin.

Most of us might be tempted to tell the person off. This, compared with the aforementioned options, is a pretty minor sin. And that’s the point.

Few of us (I hope) would be tempted to punch the person in the face. We know that punching them would constitute a major offense, a much greater sin, and there would be serious consequences as a result. The thought of punching them probably doesn’t even cross our mind.

We’re not as tempted to punch them in the face (greater sin) as we are to tell them off (minor sin).

Thus the less tempting it is, the greater the sin.

This is true for other areas in life, as well. Imagine you’re out somewhere, eating dinner at a restaurant or socializing at a party. You might be tempted to smoke a cigarette or have a second helping of desert, but not tempted to murder someone or take their jacket from the coatroom. You might be inclined to eat too much ice cream, but you wouldn’t hold the chef hostage with a gun to his head.

We’re usually more tempted to commit “minor” sins than major ones. There is often greater temptation in committing smaller sins.

My point here is that whatever is actually tempting us (sleeping in a little later, procrastinating on a chore, anything) – these things are probably not that bad. They could be much worse, right?

If we view our temptations as “little things,” this may take a bit of pressure off us. Not that I’m advising we do them – but if we came to understand that the things we’re tempted to do are not actually that bad, then we can stop beating ourselves up when we’re tempted to do them.

Let me say that again in different words: if we see that our temptations aren’t so bad, we might stop lambasting ourselves for being tempted and thereby possibly lessen both our self-castigation and our inclination towards doing such things.

Think of it this way: at least you aren’t driven to do really terrible things!

So today, I want you to ponder the stuff you’re tempted to do. Chances are, you’re not being tempted to do anything that bad. You’re probably doing A-OK if those things are your worst temptations.

Spiritual-religious advice: ponder your temptations with compassion.