Ironically, I am

Awhile ago I came away from a meditation retreat with a profound realization. (It feels cliché to say that, but nonetheless, it happened.)

Before I tell you what happened, let me just say wow – if you have any interest in meditating the “right” way, check out www.skillfulmeditation.org. Jason Siff, my meditation go-to guy, has a philosophy that there is no right way to meditate. It doesn’t matter how you do it, just that you do it. Brilliant, unbelievable stuff. He also has a wonderful book, Unlearning Meditation, which I highly recommend.

Anyway, I realized that a lot of what I do is intended to get me seen by others. I enjoy having an audience – you and many others – who reflect back to me that I’m real, that I exist.

When you comment on an article I write, when I make a person laugh, when I do something that gets me noticed, I get a sense of myself through the reaction.

I gain a sense of me from people outside of me.

Rene Descartes is famous for the phrase cogito ergo sum – “I think, therefore I am.” For me, it’s not just my thoughts, it’s the recognition: “I am acknowledged by you, therefore I am,” or to put it back into the language of Descartes, “You think I am, therefore I am.”

[Years ago, in one of the early issues of this newsletter, I wrote about Descartes’ well-known phrase and asked people to fill in the blank with their own unique words: “___________, therefore I am.”]

In my meditation, I realized it’s not because of YOU that I am. That’s ridiculous. I can’t exist only because you or others see me.

It’s because of me that I am! I am because I am.

This is not Descartes’ notion of existence because of the intellect. Rather, it is existence because of existence. (Tautological, maybe, but still it’s important.)

Now, this notion, I am that I am is actually a huge one in serious theological circles. Scholars have contemplated it for generations.

Here’s my quickie explanation as to why:

Throughout the entirety of the Hebrew Bible, the only entity who ever uses the first person singular form of the verb to be (“I am”) is God! God says the phrase that Popeye would later co-opt: “I am that I am.” This is a very significant phrase as it is sui generis (a fancy term meaning “one of a kind”).

In English, the phrase “I am” is a fairly commonly used. “I am hungry, I am tired, I am this, I am that.” However, in Hebrew, the verb “to be” (lee-hee-ot – lamed, hay, yud, vuv, taf) is only conjugated in the present tense by God. God is the only one who says, “I am” anything. (This is why native Hebrew speakers who are novices at English will often sound a bit Tarzan-like: “I hungry.” In Hebrew you just don’t say, “I am.”)

This is also why in certain circles God is referred to as “the great I Am.”

The big idea here is: to say “I am,” is to be godly.

Being godly is realizing we are based on who we are – nothing else. We don’t exist based on other people seeing us, or not seeing us. We don’t exist because of our thoughts, material possessions, or how others perceive us. We exist because we are.

Wow.

The irony, of course, is that I’m writing this article to tell you about my realization. I realized I must find my sense of self outside of you seeing me.

(Consequently, there’s no need to reply to me about this newsletter.)

Spiritual-religious advice: Be simply because you are, not because of others.

Compassion

Consider the following five attributes:

Compassion

Wisdom

Cleverness

Kindness

Intelligence

Which one best describes you?

If we were to take an honest assessment of your character – if we were to ask people with whom you interact on a daily basis – which quality would they say best reflects you?

Are you wise? Compassionate? Clever? Kind? Or smart?

I hope folks would report me as being kind or compassionate. But I’m afraid the most popular answer for me would be that I’m clever. “Yeah, that Brian, he is clever.”

Interestingly, there is a difference between the characteristic I wish people used to describe me, and the one they would actually use to describe me.

I imagine I’m the only one with a difference between who I wish I were and who I actually am.

Which of the above five characteristics would you most like to be?

While I certainly take pride in my creativity, my outside-the-box, divergent thinking, I would rather be known for being kind than for being smart or wise.

I’ve come a long way from my childhood when clever and smart were über-paramount to my sense of self worth, but I’ve got a long ways to go still.

There’s a great quote by Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel who said,

When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.

I strive to open up more towards my fellow human beings and be kinder.

How about you?

What’s most important to you?

Which quality do you need to develop in your life?

Which would make you more human?

Which would bring you a fuller, richer life?

What steps can you take to cultivate more of that particular characteristic in yourself?

Spiritual-religious advice: Ruminate on the quality you most want to embody, and live it.